Fragment

Poem written 12-30-24. Songs For Theaphora 2.

1.
I need a pain that can make me real,
An ever-loving fragment of tomorrow,
That can draw me towards the future,
And the kind of me I want to be

Shall I tell you what you want to hear?
That I am stable and I am useful?
That I will cause no problems
For your endeavor or enterprise?

What bullshit! I am a fire smoldering,
Held in place like fixed Mercury,
A monster meant for scaring children,
In the small hours of the night

They took my fangs, those doctors,
They made me irrelevant and molded,
A creature of too many impulses,
And never enough energy

2.
Terrify me with my humanity,
Put your hands into my chest, 
And reveal my still-beating heart,
Ready to be broken for your sake

Since when am I not the monster,
Sucking the life from everyone,
Then withdrawing at the merest hint,
Of a real and human touch?

Lost in dreams and memories,
Walking endlessly in empty halls,
Trying to find people with faces,
I can barely begin to remember

I saw you there, a goddess-bearer,
A daughter I will never know,
Who will have to learn to bear,
A terrible weight without me

3.
I am at once a hungry ghost,
And that changeling child,
Looking out at a yellowing world,
Through ancient, hazel eyes

Why can’t I see you, my darling?
You are always too far away,
Or so close my heart cannot,
Find a field of focus 

Why can’t I hear your voice?
I can feel your warmth,
I can smell your sweet hair,
But I can never quite touch you

Reaching out between the worlds,
Grasping for something I can never have,
Honoring you at my altar every night,
As I burn incense before your picture