On The Blessedness Of Thoughtfulness

In our lives it is very, very easy to become distracted from what is most important to us. There is no shame in it. Sometimes we simply forget to do the things that are necessary to maintain our own health or relationships. Sometimes we risk everything we have built our lives upon on an exciting choice that, were we thinking clearly, we would know was doomed. Sometimes we become dazzled by something or someone and let ourselves forget our own worth, so that we give away our dignity without even realizing it. And sometimes one thing becomes so big in our minds that it becomes the only thing we can see, so we end up hurting others and ourselves as we flail around, reacting to that one thing.

In these moments, we have a clear antidote, a virtue so precious that it should be cultivated carefully: thoughtfulness. Thoughtfulness, in this sense, is not about being full of thoughts…it’s about remembering what is really important even when we are distracted. It’s about paying attention to the little things. Thoughtfulness is an attitude, a way of caring about others and ourselves even when we would otherwise allow our attention to wane. Thoughtfulness orients us and our actions towards others and ourselves. And thoughtfulness is an act of ethical beauty.

Most of us know what ethical beauty is, even if we don’t use those words for it. It’s those moments when someone does the right thing, even when it would be easier and completely understandable if they didn’t. We behold ethical beauty in those moments when someone is kind for no reason, when someone sacrifices themselves for others, or when someone forgives a horrible wrong or a large debt. In such moments, when we recognize that someone has performed a particularly virtuous act, we are sometimes moved by it in a way that is similar to the way we are moved when we see a breathtaking work of art or hear a beautiful song. This is our recognition of ethical beauty.

When I experience moments like that, I am often moved to tears. I am especially moved by moments where we see ethical heroism, where we see people do the right thing even when no one will see or care, even when they will be hated for it, even when it is the hardest thing in the world to do. I believe that in those moments we see who we can really be when we try.

And we can be glorious.

When we think of such acts of ethical heroism, we often think of people like firefighters, healthcare professionals, and people serving in the military. We think of people who endanger and sacrifice themselves for the common good or to save and protect others. We think about big actions that have big consequences. And that makes sense; many of those people are heroes and deserve our admiration and praise.

But most of life isn’t like that. If we are lucky, we will only be in one or two true emergencies in our whole lives. If we are lucky, most of us will never have to run into a burning building to save our neighbors or have to take a bullet for our spouse. If we are lucky, most of us will probably never be in a situation where we have to do something big and dramatic for the common good or to save or protect someone else, and that is a good thing, a blessing. Let us pray to be lucky in this way. It is a privilege to enjoy such security and there are many in our world who are not so privileged.

But almost every one of us, no matter how privileged, will be given the opportunity to open the door for someone else. To do the laundry so someone else doesn’t have to. To buy someone lunch. To give a homeless person some water. To wear a mask when sick and we have to go out in public. Almost every one of us will have a chance to do some of the little things that help take weight off of the backs of the people around us. This is what being thoughtful really means…remembering to do the little things. The world is built on little things, so if we attend to the little things, the big things tend to take care of themselves. This is what I have called the “love of ants and bees” in my poetry.

Now, sometimes this can be a pain. Sometimes we are feeling tired or hungry or maybe just a little bit selfish, and it’s really, really hard to be thoughtful in those moments. Again, there is no shame in it. It’s just part of being a person. But if you’re interested in trying to be thoughtful even in those moments, solutions exist. One such solution is to try to build being thoughtful into a habit. Habits make doing things second nature. Habits make things easier to do than not to do. That’s why it’s so important to make a habit out of pursuing virtue, because sometimes it is really hard to do the right thing, and we need all the help we can get.

So how can we build the habit of being thoughtful? Well, one way is to work up to it step by step. Most of us have at least one person in our world that we care about, at least one person whose life we would like to make just a little bit better. If you have no one like that in your life right now, pick a co-worker, a homeless person in your neighborhood, or just a random person in your world. We are all part of one world, one tapestry being woven into the future, and helping anyone to thrive helps everyone to thrive. Try to pay attention to what that person does all day just to get by. Don’t be intrusive or spy on them, of course, just be aware of them. A big part of being thoughtful is just paying attention to other people and the burdens they bear. Pick one small thing, one simple, mundane thing you can do to make that person’s life easier, and then—with consent as appropriate—do it. If nothing presents itself, simply ask if you can help them with anything. The less glamorous the better. Pay for lunch. Do the dishes. Give them a ride to the doctor. Take out the garbage. Replace a light bulb. Offer to run an errand or do a chore that is usually their responsibility. Just do some small thing that will help that person thrive.

Don’t make a show out of it. Don’t expect to be thanked. These small things are usually not noticed. But at the end of the day, that person will have just a little bit more energy, will be in just a little bit better of a mood, and they will rest just a little bit better.

Keep looking for things like that, little things you can do, little ways you can help that person out. Make it a habit to pay attention, to look for those little things that you can do. Get to where most of the time you do it without even thinking about it. Then pick another person in your life and do the same thing, just doing little things here and there, helping to lighten their load just a little bit at a time, until it becomes a habit.

Repeat this process until it would feel burdensome for you to add any more things that you are doing. Don’t do a particular thing if you think you would feel resentful about it. Be sensitive to the reactions of others and take a big step back if someone wants to do something for themselves. Feel free to change what you are doing or switch things out as situations demand. Don’t get attached to any particular way you are helping any particular person. The important thing is that you are consistently helping the people around you be just a little bit better off. And (this part is really important) don’t throw yourself under the bus. The point is to remember the little things that matter and to help other people out a little, not to let the little things take over your life.

Again, don’t expect to be thanked. Don’t make a big production out of it. You aren’t doing this so people will think about how wonderful of a person you are. You aren’t doing it so others will do the same for you or so that you will gain some sort of social benefit. There is nothing transactional in this. If you are doing this right, most of the time no one will notice that you’re doing anything at all, and that’s how it should be. You are doing this because it is very simply a good thing to help people thrive, and we can all do so with just a little bit of time and effort. In a world that so often feels like so many people are actively trying to make things worse, we can try to make things just a little bit better.

But it is not enough just to be thoughtful towards other people. You deserve to thrive, too. Future you needs to be hydrated, so be thoughtful towards them…if you can, try to drink some water. Future you needs energy to do their will, so be thoughtful towards them…if you can, try to eat plenty of healthy food in the present. Future you needs rest to thrive…so if you can, try to go to bed at a reasonable time in the present. And, perhaps most importantly, present you deserves to have fun, to enjoy pleasure, to relish in the joy of your own existence, to thrive. You are one of the people to whom you owe care, so if you can—and I recognize that not all of us are so privileged that we can—make sure to take some time just for you so that you can make sure to get what you need to thrive.

You deserve it. We all do.

No act that helps us all thrive is too small. It all adds up. Any one act of thoughtfulness doesn’t take much time or energy, but it can make all the difference in the world to a person who is being pushed to the edge of their resources. And sometimes that person is you.

So let us look to the little things. Let us remember the small moments. Let us commit to pay attention and to do those tiny good deeds that come to us piecemeal and opportunistically. Let us try to help each other and ourselves be just a little better off.

Let us be thoughtful.

Blessed Full Moon, dear ones. May all the blessings of Her silver light be upon you all.

In love,

Soror Alice

Art: Luke Fildes, “The Doctor”, (1891)